A brief prologue to this entry: I really wanted to include a link to the Onion column “Walken in LA,” but was unable to find it. I can only assume that they were asked to take it down by Christopher Walken or an agent or publicist of his, which is very unfortunate. I am pretty sure the column appeared in this issue, but it doesn’t show up there anymore. It still exists in blatantly stolen form in various places throughout the Internet, and is easy to find, but for some reason it’s just not the same. Any information leading to the actual location on the Internet of this column would be greatly appreciated.
I recently ordered a product called the Hot Diggity Dogger, which bills itself as “The World’s Greatest Hot Dog Maker.”
It arrived earlier this week, and I brought it to my office for use on a daily basis. I really like hot dogs. During my senior year of college, my roommate Zelle and I would buy monster 80-packs of hot dogs from Sam’s Club and eat them every day for lunch. Lesser men might get sick of eating the same thing every day, but not us. I now plan to apply that same “all hot dogs, all the time” policy to workday lunches.
My initial experience was quite good. The Hot Diggity Dogger makes dogs that taste a lot more like they are fresh off the grill than one might expect, and makes the buns warm and just crispy enough for my liking. Not only is it much cheaper to stock hot dogs and buns at work than it is to go out to eat every day, but I feel like the convenience of being able to prepare and eat a meal without leaving my office helps keep me focused and perhaps even a little more productive. As I said, though, I really like hot dogs.
There was one very strange thing about this product, though. Inside the little instruction pamphlet that it came with, the manufacturer was kind enough to include several hot dog recipes, presumably to give the owner more variety, and hence more reasons to eat hot dogs more frequently. I can’t help but sharing them here.
- Mexican Surprise – Spread your bun with Dijon mustard and add chili con carne.
- The Dachshund – Spread your bun with German mustard sauce, and smother the hot dog with sauerkraut.
- A l’Italien – Wrap a slice of cheese around the hot dog, place in a bun, and pour on the pizza sauce.
- Black Forest Dog – Spread your bun with mustard, place hot dog in bun, and add red cabbage and steak sauce.
- Aloha Dog – Spread your bun with mayonnaise, place hot dog in bun and pour a combination of chutney, spare rib sauce, and pineapple bits.
- Red Hot Dog – Smother your hot dog in a combination of grated cheddar, hot salsa sauce. Add extra chili seeds for fire power.
- Sweet ‘n’ Sour Doug – Spread your bun with mayonnaise. Add a hot dog, and a combination of sweet ‘n’ sour sauce and pineapple bits.
- Sunday Supper Dog – Butter the hot dog bun, and spread your hot dog with mustard and horse-radish.
- Traditional Dog – Surround an all-beaf hot dog with sauerkraut and sour cream. Sprinkle with cayenne pepper.
Personally, my reaction (despite my Chicago heritage) to the above offerings is, “No thanks, I’ll just stick with mustard, ketchup, and occasionally some relish.”
The instructions suggest that “for an informal–and inexpensive–party, offer several choices and let guests create their own taste experiences.” I find the mental image of hosting a party where you serve a mix of the above varieties of hot dogs really funny for some reason. Not only do they all sound really gross to me, but I also find the attempt to make hot dogs out to be a sort of worldly offering to be pretty lame. It wasn’t broke, no reason to fix it.
They also include this tidbit: “The average North American consumes 80 hot dogs per year.” I’m glad to know I’m doing my part to bring that average up.